bad skin.

I'm sick of my bad skin. It's dry and I have weird breakouts. Like on my nose- on the sides- and on my sideburn area. Worst of all, my cheeks, front and center.
So tonight I bought a new cleanser [that swiss brand that's semi cheap] and a couple face masks [the $1.43 ones that are "dead sea" and "heating clay"]. I also got an exfoliator and a bottle of vitamin water. Kerissa and I washed our faces and put on our masks, sat here and talked about stupid things, and she went home.
But I'm still not satisfied with this.
So I'm trying taking vitamin E and putting on the spots I have breakouts on. I read that it helps heal skin fast and it makes your skin look healthier and glow if you put it on directly.
So I guess we'll see.

Talk about the most vain post in my history...

addiction.

I have terrible addictions to the following:

-self pity
-caffeine
-refreshing my webpage
-facebook/myspace, but in small doses
-affection
-oversleeping
-punk shows
-trying new things that always end up shitty
-wondering about things that are irrelevant

yes, I am quite bad about all of those things.
because of the second-to-last item, I have a large, throbbing bruise on my left thigh.

because of the first and last item, I am seriously depressed.

I hate looking back over all these old posts and seeing how happy I was, and feeling the way I do now.

see?
self pity.
bullshit.

brown brown brown

what makes up a good date?
the same thing that makes up a good gift. practical, creative, inexpensive, sincere.
like: a picnic.
a walk in the park with coffee.
a themed movie night.
taking someone to your favorite places.

not the mall.
not walking around the mall.
especially not walking around the mall when you are over $300 in debt.
never.
ever.
ever.

no.

but it's the thought that counts... right?





(what thought went into that?)

learning how to be alone.

life is so hectic and chaotic and awful and good right now.
mostly the first three, but without the bad, you don't really recognize the good.
*this is a deep sigh out*
nowhere to live.
job is lame.
shitty roommate who can suck a fat one and get pregnant from one of her late night romeos.
you know. that kinda BS.
but, in all that, I've found that my good friends, the people who actually care about more than themselves [unlike some friends I'd sloughed off earlier this year], are amazing.
I've been offered three places to stay.
two semi-permanently.
though, I'm not taking any of them. I'm going to stay here and there and everywhere.
Janice's mostly.
it's scary.
my dad's girlfriend calls it a "nomadic lifestyle."
my mom calls my vegetarianism a "lifestyle choice."
I'm so lifestylish. jesus.
I'm reading tao te ching. it's great. it makes sense.
I have read more in the past six months than any other time in my life.
I love more than any other time in my life, and I'm not even in any form of a relationship.
I do have one or two people I have somewhat intimate time with, but it's all just for fun.
mostly because no one is as thrilling as a special someone should be.
I'm bored with everyone in that sense.
but it's good. it lets me focus on just maintaining friendships.
songwriting is a little halted ever since the breakup with kyle. I've only really written two songs.
but two is better than nothing.

looking back at my old blog posts, it's a little depressing. I was so fucking happy.
I mean, I'm content right now, but wow.
my life was together.
I had my ducks in a row, or whatever that saying is.
I was just ecstatic to be involved in this person's life.
and now?
I'm just...
okay. with whatever.
what's better?
I don't know.

my hands are dry.

halloweeeen.

summary, as usual:
my roommate basically said, "so, I'm doubling your rent unless you move out."
SWEET.
my boss says I suck at my job. I'm "not focused enough" because I "get distracted by other tasks," but I need to "multitask more."
nice.
my grandma is dying. as in, within the next week or two.

and of course, wearing my costume, riding my bike, I ride past my first ex boyfriend and we pretend not to see each other.
my costume? a tassled leotard, a whip, a fur coat. I'm a lion tamer.
I don't know how to feel about anything.
I'm still slightly depressed, but tonight's gonna kick ass.

and I might have a room. I dunno!

let's complain some more.

my last post I said I was going on a date.
I did.
he was fucking BORING.

and then my roommate told me she is attracted to me.
and then my friend asked me if I wanted to make out when I asked if he wanted to play guitar with me.
then he asked for a hand job.
WHO THE FUCK ASKS FOR A HAND JOB?
thennn, I got flirted with at powell's by a boy who reads all the same books as me and goes to all the same places as me and wore glasses [bonus points] and had very lovely hair and a cute sweater-
but!
he was so shy.
and I feel like
I look for EVERY
POSSIBLE
THING
not to like about someone.
the minute they say something like, "ha, yeah, um, I like that.. too." I just shut them out.

there was the guy at the show a few weeks back.
months? I don't know.
he was into my tattoo and guitar playing and blahdy blah, but then I hear him say
"DUDE, there are SO MANY titties in this room!"
ugh.

I never called the boring guy again. in fact, I ignored his calls.
he sent a text that said "how R U?" no. never, ever.
I walked away from the guy in powell's, but to be fair, I was hopped up on cough syrup.
from being sick.

and every other person that has even mildly hit on me
I find something wrong with them.

I just don't feel like wasting my time.

I also guess I feel like being miserable sometimes.
I don't know.
fuck this.
I'm angry.
and sick.
and I have a new tattoo.
but it is pretty sweet.

that's all.

waste and whine.

I'm nineteen. [woo]
new lock for my bike and a new seat.
new jeans.
meh.

I'm actually pretty happy I guess. still dealing with my bitterness but no longer missing someone I don't even know anymore.
I haven't missed him for a while.
it's kind of sad though. to be that happy with someone, then them just not want you anymore.
whatever.
I can't say I believe in fate then be pissed off because it didn't go my way.
besides
I got asked out yesterday.
and I have a ton of friends that are amazing.
I have this exciting new life and I enjoy it.
"there's more to life than love and being together."

but I'm definitely going on that date soon.
he seems like quite a nice guy.

anyway.
that's all I feel like typing.

fuck:

california.
burning man.
maps.
jamba juice.
spas.
boys with dark eyes.

etcetera.

wrote new songs- obviously depressing ones. bitter ones.
wrote new stories- obviously the same as the songs.
going to spain and europe- yep.
annnnnd
wanting to shave my head and change my name and clothes and brain
and life.

what's been up.

well.
I've been trying to get over that one big, fat dissappointment, and in doing so, or at least in pursuing that, I've read a good ten books this month, watched many bad movies, written a new depressing song, and become a vegetarian.
not because of the depression, though. because of a ook I read.
it talked about how eating meat is for sustenance, but we just get hungry again and end up in an endless cycle of killing. I don't want to be part of that.
so, there we go.
oh, I also started hanging at punk houses and going to shows with hannah a lot.
all the punks call me Flower, never Cali.
today, I'm going to see Stepbrothers with hannah's little brother, casey.
free tickets from work, via the guy who promotes the sneak peeks or whatever.
I'm actually sitting in hannah's living room right now. casey is asking me what I'm doing, and why I blog.
well, because I want to.

anyway.
I'm ignoring people
I should go.
there's my life.
peanut shelled.